This is a question that I have been asked over and over, what is there or why was there a narcissist in my life? You are probably someone who has been in a toxic relationships or have family members that are narcissistic and this then causes you to question why you have these types of people in your life.
This isn’t an easy question to answer and the reasons for this are varied. So for the purpose of this video I wanted to talk through the main reasons of why you are with a narcissist, had narcissists around you, or even have narcissistic people around you.
This is a sad realisation when you finally realise that you have or have had narcissists in your life, because you know that narcissistic people are toxic. It would seem that their only mission in life is to take from you and destroy you systematically.
However in this video I want to talk to you about ‘why’ that has happened or is happening for you and what steps you can take to protect yourself from this. It is only when we have the knowledge and the answers that we can go forward and heal from this.
Sometimes this is due to attachment styles. What I mean by attachment styles is the way we view relating to another pepsin. Our ways of attachment are determined in early childhood. There are four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:
If you are in the last three there is a possibility that you have attached a narcissist into your life or have been brought up by narcissistic parents. The reason for this is that your attachment to your early caregivers has not been secure there is no foundation built upon for you to feel safe secure and nurtured. Im not saying that it has been bad growing up like this, of course not no, there may have been times that your parents or caregivers would have given you love or shown you the support that you have needed. But the problem her is that it wasn’t consistent. In order for you to develop a secure sense of self, this unconditional positive regard would have had to have been shown to you most of the time of your childhood. And I know that for many of you this would have been few and far between.
This is why therapy works so well because therapy mimics this : the client is given unconditional positive regards to work through and establish new ways of understanding their world around them.
Another reason why there are narcissists in your life or have been in your life is to do with your boundary style. Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. If you're limited, have been weak, unestablished or mailable than you are allowing another person permission to treat you how they please. If you are someone who has boundaries and they may have not been enforced or consistent then you run the risk of a toxic person breaking them down over time. Either way the toxic individual will find a way of systematically breaking rules, limits or guidelines to get what they want.
This then causes problems such as co-depenedancy which means placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
While a healthy relationship depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries, codependent personalities have difficulties in setting such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for them a vital part of regaining mental health.
In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on the other for fulfilment. There is usually an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life first, often for the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people.
Boundaries are usually compromised early on in the humans life, where the in dysfunctional family the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings instead of the other way around. So you can see how boundaries are crossed and co-depenedancy is formed.
Both of these concepts will determine why you have or have had narcissistic individuals in your life. Both are important developmental concepts that set up the psyche and blue print for relational styles in adulthood. If you determine which one you are you can learn and avoid mistakes that will hinder you to achieving the relationship that you want. Its about putting your needs and wants first and nurturing them.
Have any of the points made in this blog resonated with you? Perhaps there may be other reasons why the narcissist is still in your life. It is food for thought finding out why these types of characters are round you.
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