When we close a door it’s inevitable that we wonder what’s next. We strive in our transformation to build positive relationships again, maybe even allowing our thoughts to expand to the notion of a romantic attachment. The reality, however, argues that until we learn to love and trust ourselves again we are unlikely to attract someone who is offering us anything different from the toxic entrapments experienced in our previous relationship. There is an African saying which is: ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt’ (Angelou, 2004).
Sure, setting intention and visualisation helps, but many miss the necessary step of taking inspired action. If you want better relationships, you must let go of any that are crossing your boundaries. go of the fear of vulnerability.If you want more intimacy you must be willing to let go of the fear and vulnerability.
"We can never know what is possible until we
let go and take a leap of faith"
When we emerge from a toxic relationship, we can be left with confusion about who we are and what path we want to take. Most of the time, instead of doing what’s necessary to shift our lives to a new state, we choose the ‘known hell’ instead. We choose familiarity because we are afraid of what’s on the other side. However, we can never know what is possible until we let go and take a leap of faith.
The process can be complicated by the fact it requires both self-control and rational choice. Two of the things that were taken from us through our trauma bond to an individual who asserted control over our actions. Before we can even begin to learn to trust again, even in our own judgments and choices, we need to change our mindset from a negative to a positive one.
By this I do not just mean having a positive mental mindset; although of course this is an extremely important part of our healing process. What I refer to is the power of transforming our dreams into reality. A theory more commonly referred to in Psychological research as the “self-fulling prophecy”. A false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the originally false conception come true (Merton, 1948).
Robert Merton coined the term “self-fulfilling prophecy” in 1948. He was an Eastern European immigrant who grew up in the poor areas of South Philadelphia. An upbringing that many believe informed his theories through out a career which eventually saw him contributing to some of the most influential social sciences of our time. Through his work he witnessed a strong link between desire and reality. When a person consciously or unconsciously believed they could achieve a certain outcome, their realities would often match, since their thought process would then spark a chain reaction of self-motivational actions.
"When and how it happens can be a
lot less painful when you follow"
So, how do we apply the theory of a “self- fulfilling prophecy’ to our own healing and transformation?
You have been left emotionally, spiritually and maybe even physically scarred by the trauma you have been through. You are now emerging from the flames of your former life. Standing on a baron landscape that once saw a promising vision and future. You are left lost and confused; knowing only that you must rebuild if you plan to survive there. So, Build!
I am not going to tell you that this process will be an easy one. When and how it happens can be a lot less painful when you follow the truth of your heart. You are in a unique position now. No matter your age, your circumstance etc. you have been provided with a blank canvas and the possibilities are hindered only by a lack of believe in yourself.
I have always used a dream board to show the outcomes I want in life. In addition to acting as a visual reminder of the goals I want to achieve, it can be the first step towards action because change begins in our thoughts.
How has trauma left you scared and as a result you've been able to take inspired action to take you out of victimhood? Are you too scared, at this moment to take inspired action? What inspires you?
ARE YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS?
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