"Life isn’t stagnant, its always moving and we have too move with it. To live is to move forward to die is to stay still"
Should we forgive the narcissist?
A notion that is widely popular in mainstream self-help circles is that to fully heal and recover from a break-up with the narcissist, we will first have to actually forgive them.
After all, it is explained, that the narcissist is suffering…they just don’t know it. Wait..What? Needless to say, I don’t see it this way, I’ve always said that to become narcissistic is a choice of circumstance, becoming an empath is also a choice of circumstance.
In a nutshell, the core of my theory on forgiveness is this: you don’t have to forgive a narcissist for all the pain they have caused you. You don’t have to feel compassion about the fact that they cannot feel or reciprocate love or compassion.
You don’t have to be sympathetic anymore towards the bad childhood that they can’t seem to get over. You don’t have to do any of this. All it means is that we forgive the narcissist just enough to take them back and then we make ourselves sick not forgetting what they did to us.
You need to move on.
When you prioritise forgiving your narcissist, you get suckered back in. Their potential is dangled in front of you, and suddenly you wonder if you're making the right choice
—but a narcissist is incapable of real transformation. They cannot and will not change, so any changes are not possible.
Even then, you’ll see the goodness in them for another time. And every time you place the burden of forgiveness on your own shoulders, you’re obligated to wipe the slate clean so as to give them a loving, supportive environment that they tell you is so crucial for their healing.
You get more drained by the second.
The fact is, narcissists will try to suck you back in long after the breakup.
They’ll contact you, trying to get your pity or to arouse your anger. Anything to provoke a reaction. Then they may tell you they’ve changed, which may soften you, as evidenced by how many people go back to their abusers.
They will state their regret and beg and plead for forgiveness. But if you listen to their words its all about them, all about ‘I’ statements its not about acknowledging what has happened to both parties in this relationship, or what you have endured over the time of the relationship. You have to really listen to the wording that they use and the meaning behind those words.
Its not sincere, there is no realisation as narcissists do not have the capacity to understand nor do they empathise.
It's time for you to come first.
As I tell my clients, self-love is the greatest narcissist repellent.
You see, narcissists do not actually love themselves. Instead, they have to build a false mask in order to escape from how much they loathe themselves. When we are secure in who we are and can love ourselves deeply, narcissists have no way of wriggling into our lives and heart.
Narcissists love to prey on people with high levels of empathy. While empathy makes us human, the problem is that it has a downside, especially when we have more empathy for others than for ourselves. And when we keep choosing to forgive the narcissist by empathising with his or her story, we put ourselves last.
Without self-love, we will keep getting drawn back in by the narcissist and other toxic individuals who only want to take.
Your top priority should be forgiving yourself.
Today, I teach all of my clients that we need to forgive ourselves for being hoodwinked by the narcissist and staying in the relationship.
We may punish ourselves for not recognising the signs or listening to our intuition. But we didn’t know, we were played in a game that we never knew we were participating in. You didn’t walk around looking out for people who would con you.
You didn’t ask to be conned, either.
So above all, the most important thing you can do is forgive yourself. You never knew that these type of predatory people existed and that this was a phenomenon, it was an unfair advantage.
Understand that there was nothing that you could do and that you did the best that you could in the limited resources that you had. You eventually notice that being treated like that was wrong and you left. This is the final part in the healing cycle, to forgive you.
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