The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired. Intimacy does not exist and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted. Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner and children.
How is it that they make us feel like this and why? Is it a conscious process? You know what I can't answer that question with full conviction, but I'll try and answer it the best way I can applying theory and realise examples. Ok, so here goes....
The narcissist's attitude towards sex is one of avoidance but obsessive, they do not want to 'need' another person to pleasure them but they want it so badly. This is linked to their feelings of guilt and shame that motivates these thoughts. Because of their split psyche narcissists are unable to be in touch with their inner self and rationally understand themselves. A narcissist will enable you to feel all sorts of emotions about yourself, as a victim you may feel used, betrayed, disgusted with your appearance, your sexual identity is affected, you are lead to believe all sorts of things about you that are simply not true.
This is odd because at the beginning of the relationship, the honeymoon phrase, things were so much more different and you both, what seemed like connected on a deeper level. But now that seems a far cry of the person that they once were. The reason the narcissist loves the honeymoon is because he can be stuck in the Peter Pan, terminal boyhood or girlhood stage where they doesn’t have to be responsible or accountable. The narcissist doesn’t want to grow up and be accountable. They feel entitled to constant attention and admiration without having to invest anything more than the initial time it took to woo you.
How The Narcissist Uses Sex To Take/Keep Control
The Somatic Narcissist
The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply.
uses sex to conquer
rarely emotionally involved: as will need to move on and get new supply
huge distinction between the primary and secondary source of supply (madonna - whore complex).
views all sexual conquests in a negative light (smear)
The cerebral Narcissist
The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading
feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse.
above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control.
The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers mastrubation or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes).
has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects.
the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises.
Sexual Abuse by Narcissists
Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Their partners own sexual preferences will be ignored, banned or twisted.
Sexual gratification is only to reassure the narcissists that they are good lovers.
The narcissist pretends that sex is for the partner but is after her/his gratification only.
Their partner’s sexual past will be torn apart or thrown in their face during, or after, the relationship.
The narcissist revels in telling their partner all about their sexual past and that he or she will never measure up to their other lovers.
Calls them a nymphomaniac.
The narcissist instigates sex (like telling erotic things and sending pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides at the last minute that nothing is to take place or they have changed their minds.
The narcissist does not care if their mate gets hurt physically and/or emotionally and may even enjoy it when their mate gets hurt.
The narcissist says their partners are having sexual relations with others, although it is the narcissist that has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful.
The narcissist makes fun of their partner’s sexuality or body in front of others.
The narcissist has to try out everything possible (positions, toys, etc).
The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and/or dress inappropriately and says it was an accident
The narcissist will send pictures of their body parts wanting to know how they rate. They will insist their partner send pictures for them to rate.
Narcissists Don’t Make Love
Lets take a few moments to think about what sex actually means to you?
Now add up your scores. You should get two scores. One will be for the odd numbered words and one will be for the even numbered words. Let's call your score for the odd numbered words Communal Sexuality and your score for the even words Agentic Sexuality.
People who score high relative to other people in communal sexuality tend to view sex as an act that is mutually rewarding (i.e., both partners receive something positive from it)
People who score high in agentic sexuality tend to view sex as personally rewarding and self-enhancing.
View partners like objects
Only there to satisfy the narcissists needs for pleasure, status and power
More frequent sexual activity might actually harm relationships involving narcissists. Sex with a narcissist works to make one partner more attached, it pushes the other partner away. Narcissists report being particularly unsettled by their relationships: better alone and casual sex: cannot connect on a deeper intimate level.
Sex generally acts to bring partners closer together (both physically and psychologically). In other words, sex can be thought of as a mechanism for enhancing relationships, For narcissists, however, who view sex more in terms of personal gratification, sex might actually cause increased separation.
Madonna - Whore Complex
In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex is basically the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship. The term was first discovered by Sigmund Freud. This psychological complex is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (the whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (the Madonna). This condition is mainly prevalent in narcissistic personality disorder, its where unmet psycho-sexual needs have not been met because of emotional abuse in early life. This consistent with various other literature that claims this is part of the split psyche which occurs in childhood.
Your Thoughts: let me know what you think of this complex disorder that affects so many facets of functioning.
ARE YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS? Join The Balance Membership a New, Innovative Therapy Program Created To Help You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse.