Closure is a healthy part of ending a relationship. You each get to say your peace. You both apologise for any unintentional and/or intentional hurts. You say goodbye and wish each other well. This is how closure works between two reality-based, reasonably sane adults who basically had a good relationship. It didn’t work because of different goals, values, interests, a lack of compatibility or you grew apart instead of together. A less satisfying form of closure is when you had a relationship with someone who wasn’t considerate, wasn’t invested in the relationship or just wasn’t ready for commitment. If this person is a reality-based, reasonably sane adult then you break up and state how they hurt you.
They apologise and give you an ego massage by offering, “It’s not you; it’s me. You deserve someone who really loves you.” You accept his or her apology and you both go away feeling a little better. The Paradox: Trying to get closure with a narcissistic and/or borderline person usually results in reopening your old wounds. Attempting to obtain closure with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline is always a maddening exercise in futility. Its only to serve the narcissist to draw on emotional fuel and leave you so upset and confused.
You will never get closure with this kind of person. NEVER. First, they don't meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure: A reasonable degree of sanity. A foothold in reality. Empathy. Being able to give an ex closure means you’re able to accept your responsibility for the demise of the relationship and when has your BPD and/or NPD ex ever taken responsibility for her behaviour, especially when they are clearly in the wrong? Don’t you remember how they would rewrite t history when you were together by portraying themselves as the victim?
What you must realise is that you will NEVER get an apology or a real explanation. If you try to get closure from your NPD and/or BPD ex by detailing the many ways they hurt and tortured you, they are not going to acknowledge what they did. Because to admit anything it would mean that the other person would have to render themselves vulnerable and therefore admit that they are in the wrong. Because of the ingrained defence mechanisms in place a cluster B will never do that. They believe (in their delusional mind that they have done nothing wrong). So that is why you will not get the validation you are looking for.
Instead, will initiate that you look like you’re the crazy one, and mystifyingly tell you, “I was a wonderful and loving person. How dare you say these things to me? You must be crazy or someone’s brainwashed you. Don’t you remember how good I was to you and the many things I did for you?” Somebody has a memory problem, but it’s not you. Im sure these phrases sound familiar, these are the defence mechanisms at play here. Its funny because they all seem to say that 'same' things!
When you feel the urge to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool more people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at.
Your thoughts: have you ever broken up from a previous relationship and felt that it has left you with anxiety and disconnected from reality? How do you feel about not getting any closure or explanation?