WARNING; This is one of the most complicated subjects about narcissism to write about, it is so overlooked and is another mind-field in itself. This is not an easy read and requires an open mind!
OK, so if you are ready to venture into this subject, I'll begin ...
The narcissist is someone that uses sex as a tool for manipulation and control. The psychosexuality of all types of narcissists â cerebral and somatic alike â involves the objectification and interchangeability of intimate partners. You will find that ALL Narcissists will have extra marital affairs and added to that will remain emotionally unavailable to you, the primary source: the partner, fiancee, married spouse. WHY? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Well the answer in short is 'NO' you are good enough, but the answer is multi-faceted.
Narcissists are polyamorous and autoerotic. Quite a few of them have comorbid sexual desires that are actualised in sexual fantasies. The cerebral narcissist aims to stabilize the flow of narcissistic supply by suppressing his sexual predilections and orientation and thus by rendering himself asexual. Now, I know this is weird because of the extra marital affairs that they have - bit there is something deeper going on here on a completely different level. The narcissist aims to secure an uninterrupted flow of narcissistic supply by indulging his sexual preferences with multiple partners. The reason for this is because what happens is inside there is torment, war and instability that is raging inside their heads: this is why they may appear moody towards you or angry but this is not because of anything that you have done its because of what is constantly going on inside of their heads: shame, unworthy, disgusting, failure etc... In order to alleviate this pain (in some sense) they look to take their attention away from it. At times this will be alcohol (to numb pain), drugs (to escape pain), or sex (to validate). Most of the time it will be a combination of all or one. Having sex with a prostitute will mean no emotional exchange - just dirty sex or fantasy sex, or securing regular supply without strings attached. Remember the narcissist is a predator: sexual or emotional. But this is weird because they consider themselves asexual, right?!?
OK, so what is happening here is on a psychosexual level. The narcissist will starve you of any sexual contact and emotional contact or validation because in their mind they believe that you don't need sex, love or validation - because he doesn't! The narcissist puts all the women in his life in two boxes: saints or whores! You will most probably be in the saint box along with his mother, sister, daughter etc ... the whores will be the women that he uses and discards, the whores that he sleeps with in extra marital affairs, the ones who he does not have any connection to. As long as you are in the box, you will be praised and put on a pedi stool and in return you must conform to the narcissist demands and needs. If you do not and want affection, emotions and love, the narcissist sees this as dirty and disgusting : how can something so pure and amazing want such dirty and disgusting things done to them? Love is not important as it is a primary need that the narcissist cannot understand or fathom.
Sam Vaknin has stated that sometimes narcissists are sadistic. They enjoy inflicting pain on others. They get off on it. Seeing the pain of your sexually frustration is orgasmic to them.
“Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act.”
— Sam Vaknin
That’s why they withhold sex. Oh, they may say “yes” occasionally, but at the last moment they change their mind.
He then becomes a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be objects - sources of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic "fix".
Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men – they prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc. The more "difficult" the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.
He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.
With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to view all females in a bad light. His behaviour, thus, achieves a dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance) primarily with his mother.
Yet, these glimpses into the thwarted and the demented rarely go down well with their significant others. The narcissist’s self-exposure often elicits reactions of horror, repulsion, and estrangement. No wonder most narcissists don’t even bother to share their fantasies with their “loved” ones. The sis such a complex subject that there will have to be follow on blogs as the whole subject is so multi-faceted and in this blog I am only touching the tip of the iceberg here. Please watch the video on me trying to explain this subject. Please leave any comments or questions that you may have, look forward to hearing from you.
ARE YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS?
Join The Balance Membership a New, Innovative Therapy Program Created To Help You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse.