This is not an easy subject to write about by any stretch of the imagination. each of us deal with these experiences differently. But theses types of relationships leave us with similar feelings of low self-worth, lack of confidence and self esteem. There are ways that can endorse the healing process by understanding just what has gone on.
Lets define what abuse means:
Abuse means use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse. To treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. So when we have an understanding what abuse means we can begin to up pick what has been happening to you, in terms of your relationship and self-esteem. So when you are in an abusive relationship this is the maltreatment that will be endured. Another individual purposefully inflicting cruelty or violence; regularly or repeatedly.
This can take many forms, but the abuse that I am concerned with in this article is narcissistic abuse. When people have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, two things interact to predispose them to be abusive:
1. They are low on emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is the capacity to feel what another person is feeling (or what you imagine the person is feeling). Having emotional empathy decreases the likelihood that you will want to hurt others, because you will literally feel some of their pain. Without emotional empathy, you have less motivation to pay attention to the pain that your words and actions cause a partner. Narcissists can have “intellectual empathy” without emotional empathy. Intellectual empathy is the ability to cognitively understand that you are causing another person pain. It requires that you stop and think about what the other person might feel in response to your actions. Narcissists, therefore, can understand that they may be causing someone pain, but they have less motivation to care because they are not feeling anything negative themselves.
2. They lack “whole object relations” and “object constancy.”One of the main reasons that people abuse others whom they profess to love is that they lack whole object relations and object constancy. Briefly defined: “Whole object relations is the capacity to see oneself and other people in an integrated and realistic way as having a mix of good and bad qualities, some that you like and others that you dislike." If you have whole object relations, you can accept that someone is not perfect and still value that person for the positive qualities he or she has. “Object constancy” is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection to someone whom you care about while you are feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, or hurt by that person. Object constancy helps you rein in your impulses to hurt someone during a fight. Lacking it makes people more willing to emotionally and physically damage their mate.
With a few exceptions, women and men who have been in a relationship with a narcissist voice similar thoughts and feelings about their former partners. I understand this from a personal point of view because I also found recovery difficult. Even though I was no longer emotionally invested in my relationship this question got me thinking about how we recover from losses—especially breakups of intimate and important relationships, and especially those which are long-term. Some of the recovery, clearly, has to do with initiation—whether you were left or the person who left—and all that entails. Why you were left or decided to leave matters too. It’s one thing when you grow in one direction and your partner in another, and something else entirely if some kind of betrayal such as infidelity is involved. The course of the breakup matters, too: Does it confirm the person’s essential decency and your knowledge of him or her, or does it reveal a person who you never knew, thought you did but never really did.
"People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are often trapped in a constant battle between wanting you and pushing you away. Post break- up that means they’ll insinuate themselves back into your life—even if it’s just to fire off an insulting text message (“You need your head examined!”) or ask an infuriating question (“What did I do that was so bad?”). It takes two people to end a relationship and many narcissists refuse to leave without a fight. Translation? Continued re-traumatization. It’s no wonder so many of my clients panic when they see an email from their ex."
But healing from a Narcissistic relationship is even harder!
Yes, it is but you can heal. It will take time and your energy resources but you have to remember they were brought into your life for a reason. This relationship would have left you questiofinging your beliefs and your reality, it would have destroyed relationships with people close to you, it would have left you feeling unworthy making hard for you to trust others. Please remember that what you have been dealing with is an individual who is very unwell. Nothing you could have done or said would have changed the situation or that person, I promise you that. This has been damage done for the past an dis so deeply rooted in their unconscious. You cannot change it.
Instead of wanting to changed them, change your approach to yourself! Learn to put that energy into yourself, you are worth it;
1. Learn to forgive yourself. 2. Take responsibility for your self and introduce boundaries.
3. Go NO CONTACT or GREYWALL.
4. learn to direct your kindness inwards.
5. At a certain point STOP.
6. Rediscover your passions and hobbies again.
7. Know its OK to grieve.
8. Take one step forward.
Sometimes, I look back upon those years of my life that I spent with my ex-fiance, and I can't believe that I was in that relationship. However, now that I'm coming out on the other side of it, I am grateful every single day.
I'm here to tell you that you are not alone, unfortunately, being in a relationship with someone like this can happen to anyone. Narcissists search for people who are strong, compassionate, kind, and who can take care of their demands and child-like needs (they are immature and childish) – they don't choose a partner who can't look after them.
Know, and have faith that without the chaos and trauma that comes with being someone who is a narcissist and compulsive liar, you are whole and are worthy of having a healthy and loving relationship. Plus, you will learn more than you can even imagine from the process.
If you would like to talk to somebody or would like further advise please contact me.
Here is my video on how to heal from an abusive narcissistic relationship.